And you’re content. I can’t say you’re cool. You’re not.

Not that I’m an arbiter of cool. But it’s widely recognized that your email is not. And it’s dragging you down.

Yet you’re content. I admire that. I don’t see how you can be: you still have an AOL email. But I admire that you’ve gotten there.

Me? I wouldn’t be able to keep food down.

Football is a contact sport and Apple costs more than Dell. Smoking is bad and Who’s on first. The coyote will never catch the road runner and your email is dragging you down. Universal truths.

Your friends want you to know, but we’re worried you might get defensive.

“It’s only email.”

“How many ’email programs’ have figured prominently in a Tom Hanks movie?”

“It works.”

I know.

Only yours.

I know.

AOL is still dragging you down. It’s dragging you down so hard that it’s taking me with you. I can’t keep food down.

Your parents love you unconditionally.

It’s your friends who want to tell you: get rid of your AOL email.